Thursday, March 01, 2007

God Loves Kittens

**
Francesca Williams was recently contacted by her local Humane Society representative about the possibility of adopting a kitten. The Omaha, Nebraska branch had rescued a large number of kittens from an illegal kitten ranch that was raising the diminutive felines for sale on the black market. These poor animals would have been used for all manner of nefarious purposes, including, but not limited to, training targets for underground paintball leagues, use by cat jugglers (long thought to be an extinct brand of entertainment in northern Mexico), and practice run stand-ins in the service of magicians-in-training. Obviously, the Omaha Humane Society representatives were working 24/7 to place these needy animals in loving homes.

Francesca is a busy woman. She is in charge of hiring for largest manufacturer of silly string, whether you’re talking the continental US or the international market. As everyone knows, the demand for silly string has risen astronomically in the last 2-3 years. Needless to say, the last thing on Francesca’s mind was taking on the responsibility of caring for a rescued kitten.

Somewhere in the recesses of Francesca’s mind were painful memories about a family pet and its untimely passing when she was 10 years old. Bootsy was Francesca’s constant companion during many, long summer days when she was growing up. Bootsy was named for famed funk bass player, Bootsy Collins, a favorite of Francesca’s grandmother. Bootsy also received her name due to the darker fur on three of her feet. Bootsy and Francesca would lounge down by the creek, snack on tuna and graham crackers in the afternoon and curl up in her bed to share the warmth of her comforter in the winter months.

Tragically, Bootsy encountered the wrong end of a moving lawn mower blade while chasing a chipmunk in the family’s back yard. What made matters worse was that the family was unable to find Bootsy’s fourth paw, the one without the darker fur. Francesca found the paw months later while climbing an apple tree in the front yard. Her screams could be heard a half-mile away.

Although these memories were very painful for Francesca, she agreed to make a trip down to the Humane Society’s detention center. There was a little hesitation as she entered the main cat and kitten area, but Francesca overcame her past and began looking at the kittens. As she rounded the head of the second aisle her heart skipped a beat, for there was a kitten that was a spitting image of Bootsy, even down to the three darker colored paws.

Francesca was filling out the adoption papers five minutes later with a name already picked out. She would call her new friend Bootsy Two-tsy (or Too-tsy) in honor of her childhood pet.

Life with Bootsy Two-tsy was relaxing when it needed to be, playful when it was time to recreate and thoughtful during those more reflective moments. Bootsy Two-tsy entered seamlessly into Francesca’s life and filled it out wonderfully. They were so happy together.

One of Francesca’s neighbors in her apartment complex had just lost his job, his wife and his new Toyota Hybrid about the time Bootsy Two-tsy moved in. This poor soul was contemplating suicide.

Bootsy Two-tsy got out one day and began scratching on the neighbor’s door. The neighbor had decided that morning to go through with his suicide. Before he was able to bring an end to his life, he heard the scratching at his apartment door. He opened the door and found Bootsy Two-tsy on his welcome mat. He was so overcome by the transcendent cuteness of the animal that his will to live was completely restored.

A few days later Bootsy Two-tsy got out of the apartment again and made her way over to the apartment of Janelle and Warrick Thompkins. They had been having some marital problems and were on the verge of divorcing from one another. Bootsy Two-tsy strolled outside their door and began meowing. The couple heard Francesca’s friend and went to investigate. Needless to say that Janelle and Warrick did not divorce and are happier than they’ve ever been.

Tyra Bobo is a single mom in Francesca’s building. She has a precocious little toddler named Frankie. Frankie took quite a shine to Bootsy Two-tsy. Francesca allowed Frankie to take Bootsy Two-tsy to his apartment on occasion. One Saturday Tyra was running a bath for herself and got a phone call. Bootsy Two-tsy was playing with Frankie that day. Tyra forgot about the bath for a few minutes. In the meantime, Frankie wandered into the bathroom. He climbed up on the edge of the tub and fell into the water. It was over his head. Bootsy Two-tsy to the rescue. The kitten ran to the kitchen, clawed Tyra’s slippered foot and ran back to the bathroom. Tyra fished her child out of the tub before he inhaled any water. The Bobos are doing just fine.

Oprah recently found out about Bootsy Two-tsy and contacted Francesca about doing an interview with her and her pet. Both Francesca and Bootsty Two-tsy refused the interview. They hate Oprah. They would, however, accept an invitation to be on Jimmy Kimmel.

As you can see, God loves kittens. They are his special messengers to all of us: Furry Apostles of Cuddles and Love.

If this story does not bless your soul, lift your spirits, brighten your day and bring tears to your eyes, then you are a heartless automaton who is already dead on the inside. There is probably no hope left in this world for you, you nihilistic void of humanity.

Please forward this story to everyone in your address book. Also, print this story out and affix it to every bare surface in your neighborhood. Call all of your friends and family and read them this story. If you have to, leave it on their voice mail. Do it. Don’t think about it. Do it now. Right now. Go. Go. Go.

If you really want God to bless you, consider doing a mass mailing of this story in the city closest to you, take out a full page ad in your local paper featuring this story, memorize it and recite it at open mics, baccalaureates and business seminars. Expect to hear this story told in every church, on every talk show and news program, and in every political speech in the upcoming election season.

Brian Fontana is an employee of Microsoft in Seattle. He received this story in an email and failed to forward it to his friends, family and coworkers. When he got home that evening he discover a pile of smoldering rubble where his house had been that morning. A meteor demolished his domain, leaving a crater in the shape of a cat head.

Susan Ipwitch was a seamstress in Orlando, FL. She got this email but chose not to forward it to anyone. She went out that afternoon to buy some Cheez Whiz and Funyuns. As she was crossing the street she did not look both ways. She was hit by a bus full of dwarves on vacation from Ecuador. The name of the bus company? Miss Kitty Tours.

Johnny Robechaud is a gambling man. Unfortunately, he gambled on the wrong thing. He got this email and did not forward it. He later got a tip on a basketball game and decided to place a substantial bet. His tip did not pan out, and he lost most of his retirement savings. The game? The Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. the Kentucky Wildcats. What is a Wildcat but an untamed, grown up kitten?

Don’t be like Brian, Susan and Johnny. Forward this story and be blessed.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Dog Fight

**
I look down at my hands. Blood. Mine or his? I give myself a careful once over. I'm hurt but not bleeding. I figure all of this out as he stands up.

The room's a mess. I'm standing in the only light, a lamp that's been knocked over. Somehow the bulb is still intact.

Overturned chairs. Upended couch. Books and mags strewn about. Table pushed out of place. Hole in the wall next to my head where the heavy, metal knick-knack that he threw at me hit.

The only thing that kept my brain inside my skull was the fact that he was off balance as he let go. I had kicked the table at him. He flinched in anticipation right as he hurled that thing at me. What was it? A clock? Some kind of art? Whatever it was it would have been nasty on impact. Just ask the wall.

He looks at me for a split second and I hope that we might be done. Negative. He lunges over the table, arms outstreched. This is no movie-style brawl. Neither of us knows what we're doing. Just two reasonably tough, angry guys punching, kicking, gouging, pushing, clutching and throwing each other around a room. If he has a wife, she's not going to be happy when she gets home.

This confrontation went off like a stick of dynamite with a one inch fuse. We'd never met. Somehow we found common ground to hate each other enough to be on the verge of both of us having to take a trip to the ER, maybe the morgue.

I cover up as he swings at my chest with his right arm. I don't see the object in his left hand until it's a foot away. He comes over the top and bludgeons my head. Something crunches. I stagger back, grab the mantle and manage to remain upright. My ears start ringing immediately.

He comes forward again, thinking I might be too gone to resist. I surprise him with a quick kick to the shin. When his right leg comes up I push him without thinking. He falls backwards into the table. Did I mention that it was glass?

That certainly has to be the end of it, right? Wrong. He must be like the Incredible Hulk or something. He is only getting madder, and that seems to keep him from succumbing to the injuries he must have sustained from both the impact of the fall and the broken glass.

He turns his back to me and moves away quickly. I notice that there isn't even a tear in his shirt, at least not from the glass. The fall must have looked worse that it was. Where is he going?

I grab a fireplace poker and follow him, just in case. He emerges from a closet with an aluminum softball bat. Not good. He has to look at his feet to keep from tripping over the cord of a lamp that is stretching across his intended path. Again, instinct propels me forward.

Instead of swinging my implement, I stick to its intended use and poke my adversary in the ribs. He grunts, curses and almost drops the baseball bat. Rather than allow him to regain control, I swing the poker and hit him square on the hand. He drops the bat but tackles me at the same time, not wanting anymore of the business end of my weapon.

Now we're on the floor. I really hope this doesn't end with one of us on top of the other strangling or caving the other's head in. I'm ready to stop but don't see a way to escape.

He grabs my hair, but there's blood from where he hit me, so he can't get a good hold. While he's playing hairstylist, I elbow him in the collarbone as hard as I can. I don't hear it break but I do feel it give way. Have I finally brought this thing to an end?

No such luck. He pushes himself away with his good arm ("good" being a relative term at this point), rolls over and is back on his feet before I can mimic him. He grabs a six-foot-tall bookcase at the top left corner and rocks it forward. Down it comes on top of me.

I would have expected that to have done me in. However, the bookcase is a cheapo from WalMart. Also, the books fall out as the bookcase descends. It doesn't feel good, but the books lessen the impact of the crash.

I don't know how I got out from under that case before he landed on it but I did. Maybe he was trying to do some kind of Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka move due to all the adrenalin in his system. Whatever the reason, his landing pad did not include my body.

The impact obviously jars his collarbone, as he reaches over and holds it for a second. Are we done? He rights himself, gets up on one knee and looks up at me. There's not an iota of "No Mas" in his eyes.

C'mon, man. Even Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots stop eventually. I just hope one of our heads doesn't have to get knocked off. By the way, how in the world am I going to explain this to the police?

He grabs a fairly large dictionary from the beach of books under him and tries to throw it at me with his good arm. He's obviously a righty, because the book has little velocity and misses by a foot. I pick it up from behind me, raise it over my head with both hands and throw it at him.

In the process of throwing the book, my right foot came down on a Newsweek magazine. Now I'm the one without any aim. Don't let anyone ever tell you that Newsweek provides sure footing; it doesn't. I felt my knee give and down I went. How many times have I been on the floor in the last five minutes?

He's coming at me. I go to push up with my right leg and pain goes shooting every which way from my knee. I lean back and kick up with my left as he leans in. I can't tell if I hit him in the ribs (fireplace poker) or the collarbone (my elbow) but I halt his advance. He falls away from me.

By the time we both lean up we're facing each other. He still looks furious, but I can tell we're done. He waves dismissively at me with his good arm, gets to his feet and walks out of the room. I use the wall and a fair portion of my remaining energy to gain my feet. I limp out of his house like a zombie, only without the motivation of finding and feasting upon fresh brains. Now, where's Grover?

I still can't believe a guy would get so mad about somebody's dog pooping in his yard.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

One Way to Get Dinner on the House

**
“Where I am?”

“Huh?”

“Ugh, sorry. Where am I?”

“In the basement of Rollo’s.”

“Oh … uh … Who are you?”

“I’m Rollo.”

“Why am I here.”

“You screwed up, son. Real bad. So we need to talk.”

“Number 1, I’ve never heard of any Rollo. Number 2 …”

“You need to slow down, son. You’ve taken a pretty bad knock on the noggin. All of it’ll come back to you in a moment if you’ll let you’re brain catch up to your mouth.”

“As I was saying, Number 2 …” Davey felt hands like the broad sides of sledgehammers grab his shoulders, shake him twice, hard, and force him into a metal chair. “Hey!”

“Son, you’re in Rollo’s basement. You need to sit there and collect yourself for a moment, quietly. Vic said you talked too much. If you weren’t in the basement, I might be able to overlook it. The problem is, you’re down here. That means I’m down here. Rollo doesn’t like to be in the basement. The basement is dark. The basement smells like dried blood and spit. Sometimes it smells like other stuff. People who are scared and in pain sometimes mess themselves.”

“Mr. Rollo …” Davey started to say something when one of those hands that had helped him to his chair hit him up side the head. He saw white in the dark basement. He decided not to protest or give verbal expression to the pain he was feeling.

“I think Bully Bill has got your attention. He serves as an effective exclamation point. I do not like to raise my voice. Is it coming back to you?”

“I was upstairs in the restaurant with my girlfriend. We were having drinks before dinner. By the way, we had heard some great things about your restaurant.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Any-who, some guy comes up and starts trying to put moves on my lady. Obviously, I wasn’t having it.”

“So you thought you’d insult him.”

“In my opinion, a guy who walks up to a woman who is already with someone ain’t right in the head. I don’t imagine you’d stand for it, if the foo was on the other shuit.”

“Difference is, I have the meat to back up my mouth.”

Davey thought of the man standing behind him and had to admit the logic of Rollo’s statement.

“To tell you the truth, I didn’t think I would have trouble with that guy if things had gotten physical. But, really, this isn’t high school. How many dudes are going to actually get in a fight because a boyfriend took exception to them hitting on his girlfriend.”

“A fair assumption in most circumstances. This, unfortunately, is not most circumstances.”

“OK, so now that we’re caught up on current events, enlighten me as to who that guy upstairs is, who are you, and just for kicks, who’s the linebacker standing behind me?”

“Let’s just say that the man upstairs is the son of someone who does find it necessary to solve problems in a physical manner from time to time, but I assure you, he's no high schooler. Did you know anything about this place before deciding to dine here?”

“Only that my friends said it was a great place for Italian.”

“Would your friends be of the mischievous sort?”

“Sometimes.”

“Birds of a feather and all that?”

“Sure.”

“You watch the news?”

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“Do not say any names after my next sentence. Got it?”

“OK”

“The father of the man upstairs is mentioned on the news with some frequency these days in connection with words like ‘investigation,’ ‘federal,’ and ‘crime.’ You following me?”

Davey, not one given to panic, was feeling queasy. “I am.”

This was rapidly turning into a bad episode of the Sopranos.

“Let me break it dowm for you. The father of said man upstairs has grown impatient with his son’s public indiscretions. He brings unwanted attention.”

“OK.”

“Here’s what’s going to happen. I am going to bring the son down here and you two are going to engage in fisticuffs.”

Davey couldn’t help chuckling.

“Something funny?”

“I haven’t heard fighting called that except in the movies.”

“Gotcha. So, you understand the deal?”

“I do. If you don’t mind too terribly, where’s my girlfriend?”

“We sent her home in a cab with very clear instructions.”

“So, she’s OK?”

“She’s fine.”

"Could you be a bit more specific about the protocol here. I'm not in the habit of engaging in fisticuffs with the sons of ... uh ... the kind of people you represent."

"Understood. No watches, nor rings. I'd recommend taking off your fancy shirt there. Sonny is a dirty fighter because he is not a good fighter. I would strongly recommend protecting your eyes, throat and family jewels. I'd also suggest winning but not doing any kind of permanent damage to the kid. That's all I can think of."

“Well then, let’s get ready to rumble.”

Rollo walked over to a thick door, wrestled it open and called upstairs, "Vic, bring the kid down."

Davey heard someone, presumably a man named Vic, reply, "OK, Rollo."

While he took off his shirt and watch, Davey cocked his head at Bull and said, "I imagine you played college ball for somebody somewhere." Bull glared back and did not respond. Davey thought he might be in a mood due to the fact that he was not getting to pummel anyone. Davey decided to desist from conversation with Bull.

When the son of the dangerous criminal entered the room, he had a ridiculous grin stretched across his face. He was unbuttoning the cuffs on his shiny, red shirt. He handed the shirt to Bull. Bull looked like it was everything he could do not to kill the kid. The kid proceeded to take of his three gold necklaces. He removed a Rolex. He divested himself of two rings on his left hand and two rings on his right hand. Rollo entered the room as he was doing this.

"All the rings." Rollo said impatiently.

The son took off a large, nasty looking gold and diamond job. Davey was glad for Rollo's intolerance for his fellow combatant's shenanigans. That ring could have done some damage.

"I'm gonna pound you," the son said. Davey wondered who he was trying to convince: Davey, the observers in the room or himself.

Rollo stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him. The men circled each other for a moment. The kid took a wild swing at Davey's head. The adrenalin kicked in.

Davey beat the living snot out of the son of the scary man with the dishonest business practices.

What Davey had not shared with Rollo, Bull, the kid or many people, for that matter, was that his father had boxed in college and in the Navy. While Davey never fought himself, he sparred with his father countless times growing up. He did not look like a tough guy but he could throw his fists if necessary. Before now, he had only hit one person outside a boxing ring in his life, other than his big brother.

Bull picked the kid up and sat him in the metal chair. Groans oozed out of him along with his blood. Bull walked over to the heavy door and banged on it twice. Rollo opened the door, surveyed the situation and called upstairs for Vic and another man to come down. Davey put his shirt back on.

The two men came in the room, helped the son out of the chair and led him back upstairs. Rollo looked at Davey. Davey looked back.

Rollo crossed the room and handed an envelope to Davey. Davey knew it had cash inside by the feel of it. He handed it back. Rollo pocketed it without protesting.

“We might be able to use someone like you around here, that is, if you could learn to tame that tongue a bit.”

“As tempting as it is, I think I’ll pass, unless, of course, you’re making me an offer I can’t refuse.”

“Very clever, son.”

"You mind if I get some plates to go?

"Not at all. I'd stay away from the Chef's Special tonight. The veal's a little gamey."

"Thanks."

"No trouble. It's on the house."

"Much appreciated."

Back at his apartment, Davey and his girlfriend enjoyed the best pasta, clams and sauces they had ever eaten. One thing Davey liked about Rhonda was her willingness to settle for minimal explanations at times. This was one of those times.

As good as the meal was, there was an unspoken understanding between the two that they would not be visiting Rollo's again.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The Touch of Gray

**
Ralph sat in the gray reception area in a gray upholstered chair waiting for his interviewer to call him into her gray office. The secretary, who happened to be graying, was chatting it up on her cell phone. Whoever was on the other end was having some kind of man-problems. Ralph could hear the woman on the other end from across the room. Kimber, the secretary, must be about deaf.

Kimber. That was an unusual name for a woman who was clearly out of her twenties, thirties and, maybe, forties. Kimber sounded like the name of a sorority girl. Kimber sounded like the name of a blond. Kimber did not sound like the name of a stocky, forty-something women who machine-gunned relationship advice over her cell phone.

Kimber certainly had confidence in her own advice, though it did not appear to be working for her. There were pictures of three kids on her desk, but she was not sporting a wedding ring. The children in the pictures must have been her grandchildren. They were far too young to be her own.

Straightway Ralph got so sick of this boring narrative that he stood up and exclaimed, "I am the King of Gray! There is no one more gray than I. Of all the grays in the world, I am the grayest. I am the super-gray. I am the one they call 'Gray Guy.'"

The secretary did not know what to make of all this ruckus. She asked Ralph to lower his voice. He paused for a moment, considered her request, and walked into the main area of the office.

As he entered the large room, even he was overwhelmed by all the grayness. He began to waver in his assertions about being the King of Gray. He tried to steel his nerve. For a moment he succeeded. Then, like a giant gray train, he was struck down by the sight of the woman who would become his eternal, office nemesis: Mrs. Grey Gray.

Mrs. Grey Gray was the gloomiest woman who ever lived, at least as far as Ralph knew. She had bags under her eyes that could transport field mice through a gauntlet of hungry owls. Her very presence could suck the will to live out of the most buoyant and cheery, cheerified cheerleader.

Mrs. Grey Gray had the voice of Droopy Dog. She had the fashion sense of an elephant. Her hair was so gray that it made the muted gray interior of the phone room look like a rainbow. Mrs. Grey Gray was like something out of a children's nursery rhyme. She was the worst nightmare of Richard Simmons, Leprechauns and anyone who has ever taken pleasure in any color.

She was not white or black. She was gray. Even her skin was gray. It is pointless to mention that her eyes were gray. Would anyone be so foolish as to ask if her hair had always been gray? It was impossible to imagine her any other way. Her husband had once tried to picture her with blond hair and he almost had an aneurism.

A coworker stealthily took her picture in the breakroom using his camera phone. He downloaded it onto his computer at home. He attempted to Photoshop a rainbow sweater onto her body from a picture he found of Bill Cosby. His computer crashed. It took him an anguished night to remove her picture from his computer and restore his operating system and software.

One of the other customer service representatives had suggested that she try wearing a little makeup. That coworker called in sick the next day. The only time anyone at the office ever saw her again was when she came by to pick up her last check. It was during the night shift. Mrs. Grey Gray had gone home hours earlier. Even being in the same office, breathing the same air caused the women to begin shaking violently.

Ralph avoided making eye contract with Mrs. Grey Gray. He circled the room and got in a safe position to check her out. He could only look at her for a few seconds at a time. In between glances he sang songs from musicals and Disney movies so that the gloom would not overwhelm him..

"It's the bear necessities, those Mother Nature's recipes ..."

Her pantyhose was gray. Ralph shuddered when he made the mistake of imagining what her legs might look like.

"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down ..."

Her sweater was gray. It was not cold in the room. It was springtime. Yet, Mrs. Grey Gray had a sweater on. Not placed over the back of her chair, mind you. She had it on.

"Just whistle while you work ..."

There were white pieces of paper on her desk but some kind of optical illusion made them look gray. On second thought, it was the ontological force of her gray soul that imbued everything around her with her grayness.

"Gary, Indiana. Gary, Indiana. Gary, Indiana."

Ralph began wondering if this creature was human. She may have began as a woman, but it was dawning on him like a terrible nightmare from which there is no waking that she had become something else. What brought about this metamorphosis? Was it a personal tragedy? Did she make a covenant with some ancient demon lately returned from the abyss?

"Depart from me, messenger of despair!"

Ralph realized that he had said this out loud, a bit too loud. A few of the office workers turned around in their chairs to identify the source of the disturbance. Ralph smiled wanly.

After a moment everyone else went back to work. Out of the corner of his eye, Ralph saw Mrs. Grey Gray's chair slowly turning towards him. He tried to flee, but his feet grew roots that sank deep into the floor and into the earth, intertwining themselves with foundations, stone and earth. Ralph's breath caught in his throat. His eyes grew large. The woman looked over her shoulder and caught his eye.

Though it only lasted a brief instant, that look chilled him to the bone. For what seemed like a prison sentence, Mrs. Grey Gray held Ralph's gaze. He detected the slightest upturn in one corner of the monster's mouth. Was it a smile, a sneer, a grimace? Did it carry with it a threat, a warning, a cry for help? Was this woman a deviant, a wraith or a victim?

"Mr. Nichols, Ms. Mattell will see you now."

Ralph came out of his daydream in a bit of a funk.

"Thanks."

Ralph met Marla Mattell at her door. She was in her thirties, still single, very upbeat.

"Hello, Mr. Nichols, how are we doing on this lovely spring day?"

"I think we're doing alright, Ms. Mattell."

"Please, call me Marla. We go by first names at WanCorp. Do you mind if I call you Ralph?"

"When in WanCorp, do as the WanCorpses."

"I'm sorry."

"Yes, Marla, Ralph suits me just fine."

"OK, then, how's about we start you little interview?"

"Sounds great."

Marla led the way into her office. Ralph's senses went on overload immediately. The room reeked of some kind of fruity potpourri. It was what you would imagine Willy Wonka's cologne to smell like. She had motivational posters on the wall. They were common corporate America slogans, but the visuals came from commercials for children's toys. Where did she buy this stuff?

Ralph had known Marla Martell for forty-five seconds and he already desired to take her by the shoulders and shake her. What prevented him, even more than his need for immediate employment, was a fear that, were he to succumb to his desire, he would find that she was simply a human piÒata filled with exponentially more sweetness, brightness and overwhelming cheeriness on the inside. His survival instincts won over his annoyance and curiosity.

What if, though? What if he took her by the shoulders and shook her? She might indeed be filled with Skittles and Starbursts, Sweet Tarts and Now-or-Laters. There might be a family of rainbows living inside her body.

“Your welcome, kind rainbow family. It is my pleasure to enact your emancipation.”

“Did you say something?”

“I was just admiring the dÈcor.”

“Why, thank you so much.”

“You’re so welcome.”

What kind of music did Marla listen to? Donny and Marie Osmond? John Denver? Raffi? What artists would best feed this woman’s addiction to a high fructose corn syrup version of reality?

“Ralph? Are you still with us?”

“Yes, Marla, more than ever.”

“Feel free to take a seat.”

“I will indeed.”

Wait a minute. His daydreams were battling it out in his mind. How could Mrs. Grey Gray and Marla Mattell work in the same building? Maybe the question should rather be, how could they not work in the same building? What if they cancelled one another out? What if Mrs. Grey Gray’s oppressive blah-ness was offset by Marla Mattell’s overwhelming cheeriness? Yes, that must be the answer.

“Ralph, how did you hear about the opening in our customer service department?”

“Well, Marla, I like to think of it as destiny. I met one of your employees at the pool where I lifeguard.”

“Oh, you’re a lifeguard?”

“That’s correct.”

“How fun!”

“Sometimes it is.”

“I would love to work in the sun. Fun in the sun! Woo-hoo! I just adore the outdoors.”

“That doesn’t surprise me one little bit, Marla,” Ralph said as he glanced over at a large, smiling sun who was encouraging him to keep smiling, even when it’s cloudy.

“Do you have any experience in customer service?”

“I manage to quell riots among swimsuited children almost every day at the pool when I announce adult swim.”

“That’s very good, Ralph. Anything else?”

“I once talked a friend out of dating a Spice Girl.”

“Pardon?”

“I can calm people down when they are upset.”

“That’s a good trait for this job. Wonderful. Do you have any other qualifications?”

“I’m very upbeat. I like talking on the phone.” Ralph thought to himself, “I have a pulse. I brush my teeth. I usually don’t smell. I mean, come on, I saw some of the zombies you’ve got working in there. Get to the point”

“I really like what I’m hearing, Ralph. You seem like WanCorp material. How much do you expect to make?”

“$28 an hour.” Ralph didn’t blink.

“Oh.” Marla was finally at a loss for words. Ralph was satisfied.

“Why? What does the position usually pay?”

“We typically start part-timers at $8 an hour.”

“Well, it’s not what I was expecting, but I suppose I can manage.”

“If we were to offer you the position, what would you be expecting from your time here?”

“I would expect nothing less than the opportunity to change the world on a daily basis.” Again, silence across the desk.

“We usually save that for our Research and Development Department.” Marla finally caught stride. She wasn’t half bad when she showed a little sass.

“Nice. So, am I hired, assuming my references come back positive and my drug test negative?”

“That’s right. I think we can go ahead and offer you the position. Can you begin training Wednesday?”

“I sure can.”

“Great. Would you like me to show you around?”

“That’d be a dish.”

They stood and exited the office.

“Kimber, I’m going to show Ralph around the CSC.”

Filed in Stories

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Flyover - Part 2

**
Read Part 1
*

The fly made a round through the shower, pausing at the soap, the waterproof radio and the loofa that one of the roommates had gotten as a present from an ex-girlfriend (or so he swore). Back in the hallway the fly discovered that only one of the two remaining doors were available for him to enter. The door on the left was slightly ajar. The door on the left was securely closed.

Had the fly been able to enter the door on the right he would have encountered the cleanest room in the apartment. The occupant's philosophy was that minimal stuff equals clean room. This twenty-something was not that much more orderly than the other one; he simply determined that his sleeping space would be neat by means of simplicity. There were no bookshelves, magazines, food products, empty containers, or sports paraphernalia. There was a filing cabinet that was reasonably well organized with official paper, school stuff, and whatever else goes in a filing cabinet. There was a small table which housed a laptop, speakers, a lamp and an iPod sitting in its charger. A folding chair was pushed into place at the table.

A twin bed was pushed against the wall. When not in use, it was made. Next to the bed was a nightstand with a clock radio, a clamp on lamp, a mechanical pencil and two books: the Bible and a Grisham novel. Both of them helped him fall asleep.

The young man in the bed was asleep. He was a light sleeper. This fact explained the earplugs in his ears, the mask over his eyes and the "sissy pillow" (as his roommate referred to it) under his head. He did not mind the mess outside his room. He was as much a contributor to it as the other roommate. He simply could not disconnect from the world enough to still his mind so that he could ease into unconsciousness if his immediate surroundings were too stimulating.

At one point he had lined his window with aluminum foil to keep the early morning light at bay. It worked exceedingly well. However, the other roommate informed him that it made their apartment look like the place to go and buy drugs, thus the mask. Had the fly made it into Lou's room it would have pulled him forth from slumber as soon as it got within two feet of his head.

The closet was not perfect but it certainly evidenced a commitment to some measure of control. The shirts hung ironed. The shoes were lined up by function from dirtiest to most formal, ending in a pair of tuxedo shoes that never got returned to Booking's. There were a few boxes of mementos on the shelf over the hanging clothes. Next to the door, over the light switch, hung an icon of St. George the Dragonslayer, given to the sleeping roommate by his grandmother.

The fly would never know any of this about the room behind the closed door.

It entered through the six inch opening and kept hanging to the left. The cat was in this room but had fallen asleep under the bed. The fly buzzed into the closet where it was met with what looked like the aftermath of a laundromat that had been hit by a patriot missile. It would have been impossible for any visitor, eight, six, four or two-legged, to tell which items were clean and which items were dirty. What defied reason was the fact that the occupant of this room could leave the apartment looking rather dapper should he be so inclined by concerns monetary, romantic or religious.

The fly landed on a leather jacket that had found its way to a hanger. From there the insect surveyed the kaleidescoped landscape. Immediately to the left of the door was an impressive, fairly clean fish tank humming away. The fly was not particularly interested in the cold-blooded occupants. At one point the tank had housed two predatory fish that were regularly fed unlucky minnows.

At present, the tank was at about half capacity with an assortment of fish that the roommate's mother had helped to pick out on one of her visits. Ralph did not remember what any of the fish were but he did remember what his mother told him about feeding his pets and cleaning their tank. If he ever had any questions about unusual algae or a fish that wasn't swimming right, he simply dialed up his mother, and she gave him detailed instructions.

Next to the fish tank was a life-size cutout of Manute Bol that the sleeping roommate had been hauling around with him forever. Manute was in his Washington Bullets uniform. The resident had only been six years old when the 7'7" Sudanese baller last played in DC. He was with the Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers when the young man had started watching basketball regularly at age eleven.

Manute had definitely seen better days. His left arm had been taped numerous times so that the likeness of the African would not look like an amputee. The unconscious young man discovered the cutout at a sports store that was going out of business. The owner sold it to him for a dollar. Since that time Manute had been a constant fixture in every bedroom occupied by the occupant of the fly’s current location.

In the corner of the room next to the cutout was an imposing pile of Sanford and Son-like accoutrements that would defy the attempts of even the most determined, obsessive and time-rich organizer. The pile rested on the surface of a square, butcher-block table. A lesser table would not have been up to the challenge of supporting this collection of, well, stuff.

Something would eventually have to be done about the items on the table. They would have to be sorted, boxed, filed, recognized, taken to Goodwill, and mostly thrown away. That day would most likely come when a young woman took enough and lasting interest in the young man to assist him in weeding, pruning, hacking and tearing through the overgrown mass that had almost taken on a life of its own.

The fly buzzed past the chaos corner and landed on the windowsill amidst a collection of candles that were doing an impressive job doubling as dust collectors. If all the candles were ever to be lit at once the combined smell would probably be able to chase demons away. There was peppermint from Christmas 2003, evergreen from Thanksgiving 2004, vanilla from summer 2005, sea breeze from Spring Break 2002 and about four other candles that ranged from fruity to public bathroomy.

A dresser was in the next corner of the room as the fly moved counter clockwise. A small stereo system stood proudly on the dresser. It had weathered college and was almost ready to retire and begin drawing its pension. Five years of screaming its little lungs out had left it very much the worse for wear. A fifty disc cd wallet was open on top of the stereo. Its contents ranged almost schizophrenically from jazz to ska to classical to bluegrass to techno to classic rock to alternative to swing to big band to whatever else happened to strike this particular listener’s fancy. The young man appeared to have an overactive fancy.

The drawers below were relatively empty. Most of their contents had been relocated to the closet. The drawers did have some very specific items that the occupant wanted to make sure were findable. His grandfather’s pocket watch with chain was never used but often held. A Wal Mart, pocket photo album with pictures of his immediate family on vacation in the Australian outback the summer before his senior year in high school was next to the watch.

There was a jewelry box with a worn out guitar pick in the back corner. Sometimes the resident would look in the drawer and not see the jewelry box. Panic would always seize him like a python wrapping up its prey. It never failed. Then he would yank open the drawer and the jewelry box would slide forward after rebounding off the backside.

The fly buzzed over the top drawer and lit on the two milk crates stacked upside down that served as the nightstand. A trimmed placemat kept the smaller items from falling through the openings in the crate’s bottom. The fly had it’s choice of walking around on a Leatherman, keychain, recharging cell phone, pocket-sized Gideon’s New Testament and Psalms, $2.47 in change, a red leather wallet and a mini Maglite.

Despite the plethora of items on the nightstand, the fly buzzed towards the ceiling. On its way it passed a Gadsden Flag which hung on the wall over the bed and the man under the covers. The black fly stood out against the yellow background of the flag. It did not pause to read the motto “Dont Tread On Me” or to observe the coiled rattlesnake that was threatening to strike.

The fly reached the ceiling and flew in a figure eight under four small holes that had been made by pushpins. The missing pushpins had previously held an eight and a half by eleven sheet of paper to the ceiling over the bed. The paper was no longer on the ceiling. It had not been moved to the chaos corner, the drawers or any other location in the room or the apartment.

The fly rounded the lone light bulb on the ceiling and descended towards the bed. It began at the foot of the bed and crossed back and forth from the left side of the bed to the right as it progressed towards the head. It briefly landed on the comforter where the sleeping human’s midsection was.

The fly rose and fell a few times before taking off again. It buzzed over the head of the sleeper. There was a dark hole below that the fly decided to explore. As the fly dove into the man’s open mouth it never considered that this was its the last act.

The young man felt a tingling at the back of his throat. Four things happened almost simultaneously. He dreamed that he was swallowing hair. His gag reflex kicked in. He coughed. He bit down.

Squish.

Filed in Stories

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Flyover - Part 1

**
The fly had been trapped in the apartment since the middle of the night. It had made many discoveries over the last few hours by buzz, buzz, buzzing its way through each room. Don't ask me the fly's gender; I'm no insectologist. Though the apartment was small by human standards, it was enough to keep the fly more than occupied.

It got in through the air conditioning vent in the kitchen. There was some tomato sauce spilled on the counter from the Sunday night get together. No one had wiped it up, so the fly nibbled for a moment. No, I do not know whether "nibble" is the correct term for what a fly does when it eats. I do seem to remember Jeff Goldblum vomiting on his food before consuming it in the remake of "The Fly." Of course, that's kind of gross and you probably don't want to hear about man-flies vomiting on their victuals. So, whether or not flies actually do that is unknown to me. As with most things, I will trust that Hollywood has represented reality with perfect historical, scientific, religious and psychological accuracy.

Satiated, the fly buzzed around the kitchen table and landed amidst a conglomeration of magazines (ESPN, The Economist and Outdoors), greasy napkins, paper plates, used scratch paper and condiments. It walked over Dwayne Wade's face and defecated. It took off for a moment and alighted on a wrinkled piece of paper with a doodle of a barbershop quartet singing "Goodnight Ladies" with some additional racy lyrics. The fly took off, buzzed past a bottle of Texas Pete's Hot Sauce, and decided to check out the top of the fridge.

A skyline of cereal boxes, 12-packs and a misplaced copy of Kierkegaard's Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing met the fly's multi-faceted gaze. It landed on a box of Captain Crunch, cleaned some tomato sauce and feces off its legs, and took off again, unencumbered by feces and tomato sauce. What treasures might the living room hold?

The air coming from the AC vent pushed the fly towards the entertainment center. It buzzed past the stereo system and the forty-inch television. It landed on the Playstation 2, well actually, on the case for Madden '06. Suddenly, Drool, the apartment cat, pounced. The fly was equal to the challenge. Its eyes had taken in the feline antagonist before it went airborn. The fly buzzed toward the ceiling.

Drool was ready for a little cat-and-mouse, or cat-and-fly, as the case happened to be. She leapt to the back of the couch and then onto the bookcase. She was close to the ceiling now and could swat the fly if it got close. If worst came to worst, Drool could launch herself off of the bookcase and intercept the fly in midair. Sure, the landing might wake up one of the residents, but what did she care, they were just humans?

The cat had unsettled a fake plant that sat atop the bookcase. It was now balancing ever so carefully on the edge. Both items had been purchased at Wal-Mart, source of home furnishings for young bachelors throughout these United States. The only item in any real danger was the Sponge Bob drinking glass that sat on the table below.

The fly found its way to the ceiling fan. There was enough dust on the blades to recreate Adam. Aware of the cat, it flew to the opposite side of the room to the cd and dvd towers. It crawled in between Gladiator and Rounders.

Drool managed to get down from the bookcase without sending the planter crashing down on Sponge Bob, though the case shimmied a little when she pushed off. Drool crossed the room quickly. This was her domain. She rose up and began pawing at the dvds. The tower rocked noticeably. Drool did not mind the risks involved in her actions; she didn’t care for the humans taste in entertainment anyway. The fly moved toward the back of the tower near Russell Crowe's head. Drool lost interest after a few minutes of pawing and crouching.

As the fly emerged from the dvds it noticed the faintest light beginning to come through the vertical blinds that covered the sliding glass doors. The increased illumination did not help the fly's ability to read the titles on either the cds or dvds. It had no idea that most of the discs in question were either outside their cases or in the wrong cases. Lesser used games, music and movies were well nigh irrecoverable amidst the mountains of pressed plastic.

The encounter with the cat had awakened the fly's appetite. There were plenty of places in the apartment for it to find a snack. The coffee table happened to be the closest. A coffee table is really just a technical name for the piece of furniture that sits between the couch and the television. In this case, it served more as a repository, like many surfaces throughout the apartment, for anything and everything. The phrase "a place for everything, and everything in its place" was never more out of place.

Amidst the assorted discs there were more magazines, pamphlets, empty cans of Mountain Dew, a catalogue from Cabela's, a paperback dictionary, "The Idiot's Guide to Dating," some photos taken at a recent round of Frisbee Golf, a copy of Salem's Lot by Stephen King, a Cross pen that someone other than either of the two residents received for graduation and an empty package of Corn Nuts. There were also some papers plates with pizza and buffalo wing remnants. The fly, possibly not wanting any more Italian, opted for the Corn Nuts. Mmmmmm, salty.

The fly made a pass around the lamp and table next to the couch. It did not take time to inventory the four or five Far Side collections, bottle opener, golf tees, tire gauge, laptop or used up glow stick that surrounded the lamp on the table. The fly was off to explore new territory.

As the fly buzzed out of the living room the sun glinted off a glass wind chime that hung outside on the patio. Two of the blind slats were slightly parted. No matter how much the occupants of the apartment tried, which was not very hard, they could not get the slats to close all the way. An early morning sunbeam entered the apartment and rested on the far wall under the Oakland Raiders clock and to the left of the pink, yellow and black, Blues Brothers concert announcement.

If the fly had been able and inclined to follow the beam outside it would have found two lawn chairs and a cheap patio furniture table. On the table was a half-full ashtray. I guess it would be half-empty if you're a pessimist. The ashtray was the one contribution to the apartment decor made by frequent visitor Smoky Pete. Neither of the roommates smoked and they made him go outside whenever he started to have a nic fit.

Pete bore the persecution manfully, as his affection for the two residents and appreciation of their free beverages helped assuage any grief they caused him. He was also required to empty the ashtray before it got full, never leave it unattended for more than four days and take out the trash immediately when he emptied out the butts into the garbage can. You'd have thought his hosts cleaned the bathroom more often than they filed their taxes.

The fly buzzed down the hallway past the framed picture of Mike Tyson being knocked out by Buster Douglas. It circled momentarily by the thermostat, which was set on "Arctic." It zig-zagged by the corkboard with its innumerable messages, male taunts, concert ticket stubs, postcards and old, unpaid campus parking citations. There were three doors at the end of the hall. It straightened its flight pattern and headed into the only wide-open one, the bathroom.

The fly raced its reflection for a moment and then landed where any sensible fly would land first upon entering a bathroom. The green toothbrush on the left side of the sink had plenty of tooth cheese and crusty Colgate amidst it bristles, which had long ago abandoned the military formation and now more closely resembled Albert Einstein's mop on a bad hair day. For whatever reason, the fly lingered here longer than any previous location in the apartment. It walked around over the entire surface of the bristles. It poked its front thingies deep into the tangled mass. It re-cleaned its legs and managed to dislodge some fecal matter that it had previously missed.

The bathroom had only one image in it, but it was a dominant one. As a mockery of the out-of-control, sex-obsessed, licentious, lascivious, hell-spawned culture that makes objects of women and animals of men, the roommates had fixed an oversized poster of the Bride of Frankenstein to the wall opposite the shower. It was a source of much amusement amongst their visitors, both male and female. The fly did not get the joke, though the cat thought she did. One female visitor to the apartment got quite a scare when she walked into the candle-lit bathroom one evening. She was not expecting the tortured, three by two foot, black and white visage of the Frankenstein Monster’s better half; hilarity ensued when she shrieked and fell into the bathtub, pulling the crud-stained shower curtain on top of her as she went.

After its spa treatment on the green toothbrush, the fly buzzed over to the toilet. On the back of the toilet was a dog-eared copy of Dante's Inferno. Some people connected the purpose of the paperback’s placement with the moral lesson of the poster, but that was not the intention of its presence. One of the roommates simply enjoyed reading Dante in the john.

Filed in Stories

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Payday

**
Teddy and the crew were setting up the cameras and lights. Teddy half-heartedly barked orders at his team. Joe was inside with the cameramen and recruiters. He chose the ones who were still mesmerized by him.

The club was already packed and there was a line stretching like a feather boa around the side of the building. The night air was salty and thick, causing bodies to glisten with sweat and lust. The line of young women and men was subtly pulsing to the music coming through the walls.

Some of the crew were tired. The new guys were predictably pumped. The free Red Bull that the newbies had been chugging didn't help as far as the older guys were concerned.

"Older," of course, was a relative term. None of the men in the crew were over 33. The female recruiters were all 21 and under, except Suze. She was too good at what she did. Joe ignored the fact that she was old, that is, 25.

Teddy was doing a final run over his checklist. The ringing in his right ear was back and his knees were killing him. He needed at least two days in a dark, cool, hotel room: no girls, no clubs, no loud music, no cameras and no Joe. He would order room service for every meal, watch professional poker on ESPN, probably down at least a bottle of advil, and put it all on his company credit card.

Satisfied that everything was ready, he decided to go outside and pretend to relax.

"OK, guys, we've got about thirty minutes until we're rolling. I've gone through the checklist. Beck, I want you to supervise. Everything needs to be double-checked: batteries, cables, lights, boom, all of it. You know the drill."

He stepped down out of the tour bus and took a few steps. As he knelt down to rub his knees, Teddy noticed a girl in jeans and a hoodie at the edge of the parking lot. She stood out because she was solo and wore clothes that covered her body and no makeup. She was just standing there. That made Teddy nervous. Women who showed up fully clothed and were not a part of the team were out of place, like a guy in a Yankees Starter jacket strolling around South Boston.

Teddy had enough experience on the road with Joe and Company to have developed a nose for potential trouble. His spidey senses were definitely tingling. He walked over to the girl.

"Hey. Would you like a free shirt?"

"No, thank you. Please leave me alone."

"No problem, honey. Just bein' friendly. Have a good one."

She looked at him for a moment and then turned away.

He walked back to the bus and lit a cigarette. They still had about 20 minutes before Joe would start ushering girls to the motor home for filming. Beck informed him that everything was in order. Teddy sent the newbies whom Joe left behind to troll the girls who hadn't gotten inside. They took a cameraman with them. They were glad to be off the bus and close to their prey.

Teddy watched the new guys dive into the crowd. He decided to make small talk with the two off duty cops who were standing by the bus for security. They were obviously bored. They took the job hoping to see a bit more action, but most of the excitement was currently inside the club.

One of the cops seemed like he had been in the military. He was very fit and stood erect. The other one had sent too many powdereds to donut heaven. He was working on a pretty good spare tire. He slouched and swayed from one foot to the other.

The cops were pretty good guys, but Teddy was relieved when Joe finally emerged from the club with a half dozen girls. He left some of Crew 1 inside the club to get more footage. Crew 2 was inside the tour bus and ready to roll.

Teddy had forgotten about the girl in the hoodie. He did not notice that she had made her way to the front side of the bus. As Joe got to Teddy the girl moved quickly to intercept him. The cops tensed but did not impede her progress.

"You raped me," the girl said, "and nobody's doing anything about it."

"Guys, get this crazy #!&%$ away from me," Joe grunted.

"She's not doing anything wrong," one of the cops said.

The girl helped her case by not screaming or making any wild gestures. She seemed very calm, although calm was not the right word. She seemed resigned. She also seemed very sad. It was as if she had been drained, and only a ghost stood before them.

What Joe should have done was just go inside the bus and carry on with his business. Unfortunately, that is not like Joe. He decided to lock onto the girl and make an example of her.

"You know, everywhere I go, it's always the same. Girls come out of the woodwork to get filmed, to get free hats, to strut their stuff. There is always some girl who resents me for what she did and then tries to accuse me of raping her or paying her for sex or whatever. I'm sick of it. Now, get out of here or I'm going to find out who you are and get a restraining order on your #$&*."

Usually there were no cameras rolling between the club and the bus, but one of the new guys had picked up a stray camcorder that Teddy used sometimes for location scouting and had turned it on. Nobody ever asked him why.

Joe stood hovering over the girl. She did not budge. Like a typical bully, when intimidation didn't work, he tried being nice.

"I'm sure whatever happened was a misunderstanding," he said. "Why don't you come inside? I'll make us a few drinks and we can talk."

"I didn't come here so we could discuss what happened. I came out here to confront you with what you did to me. I was at your event in Ft. Lauderdale. I went back to the bus with you. You put something in my drink. Some guy woke me up later and told me to get dressed and get out of there. It was him."

The girl pointed at Teddy. Despite the fact that Teddy had woken dozens of these girls and kicked them off of the bus, he suddenly remembered this girl. He remembered the blood on her face. He had made the mistake of asking Joe about it, only to get read the riot act.

Joe looked over at Teddy for a second. Teddy could feel Joe's eyes burning holes through him. He was supposed to say that the girl was full of it and that he didn't remember her. Teddy was supposed to be Joe's wing man.

Teddy's face turned to stone.

Joe wheeled on the girl and employed the third tactic of bullies; he tried begging.

"C'mon, girl, we're out here trying to have a good time. You're bummin' everybody out. Why don't you go home and sleep it off. It'll be all better in the morning."

"Please don't mock me. What you did to me was horrible. It is even worse if you don't remember doing it. I was an idiot to put myself in that position, but that doesn't make raping me alright."

Everyone was silent. The girl looked only at Joe.

"You've ruined my life. I tried telling my mom what happened. She can't deal with it. I didn't go to the cops or the hospital in time, so they can't do anything about it. My friends don't believe me. They think I'm just feeling guilty for going on the bus with you. Nobody will listen."

Joe started to say something when the girl reached back and pulled out a .38 revolver. She had it tucked in the back of her pants under the hoodie. Instead of pointing it at him, she put it to her own head.

Joe drew back. The six girls screamed. One of the cops put his hands in front of his face. Teddy didn't budge. The other cop rushed at her to try and ...

"Bang."

Filed in Stories

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

God's Left Hand 1

**
Story 1 - Talbot

Tuesday 1:00 AM

I stand over Talbot. He's not yet cold, but he is as still as a virgin's sheets at midday. No more breathing for this guy. I straighten my tie, even though it doesn't need straightening. I resist the urge to reach down and straighten Talbot's tie, which definitely requires some attention. He did not go quietly. Choking's like that.

I look at my watch. I will get a good night's sleep. I need it. I've invested two full weeks in this guy, more than usual for me. I notice the mark on his neck, the sign that my job is done. Talbot had taken off his coat but was still in his shirt and tie. It had to be on the hand, the neck or the face. Otherwise, I would have to mess with his clothes to find it. I never do.

I breathe in through my nose, deeply, slowly. Then, I exhale until I am empty. I breathe in again and get light-headed. This one has been middle of the road. Worse than some. Better than others, although "better" might not be the right word for it.

It's probably time for me to make my exit. Talbot knocked over a few things before he went. The noise wasn't horrible, but someone might call the cops just in case. I cross myself and say the Gloria Patri. I say my breastplate. I commit Talbot into God's hands, not sure exactly what that means for him at this point.


Tuesday 12:45 AM

Talbot looks at me. He's unsure. I don't want this to go the wrong way so I start talking.

I start to explain why I'm here. He laughs. Then, he looks into my eyes, then away. He's looking for a clue that will tell him that I am messing around, that I have an awkward sense of humor, but am harmless. He's right on one account; I am harmless. That's one thing that makes the whole thing so slanty.

I wait for a second. He doesn't find what he's looking for. I continue.

He can see I am unarmed. My posture sets him at ease, even as my words send his mind into overdrive. He has the look of a man who's been found out. Indeed, he has. Does he look guilty? Yes. Does he give any indication of owning up to his guilt? No, but at the same time, he is not defending himself.

"Follow not thine own mind and thy strength, to walk in the ways of thy heart: And say not, Who shall control me for my works? for the Lord will surely revenge thy pride. Say not, I have sinned, and what harm hath happened unto me? for the Lord is longsuffering, he will in no wise let thee go. Concerning propitiation, be not without fear to add sin unto sin: And say not His mercy is great; he will be pacified for the multitude of my sins: for mercy and wrath come from him, and his indignation resteth upon sinners. Make no tarrying to turn to the Lord, and put not off from day to day: for suddenly shall the wrath of the Lord come forth, and in thy security thou shalt be destroyed, and perish in the day of vengeance."

His breath hitches. He leans over. His hands go to his throat. He stands. I don't want to describe the rest.


Tuesday 12:30 AM

We're up the stairs and in his apartment. I'm neither rushing nor taking my time. I don't want to startle him and make this any more complicated that it already is.

He offers me a drink. I decline. I've already had three tonight. I don't plan on being around long enough to finish another. Also, there should be as little evidence as possible that I've been here.

I need a minute to acclimate myself to the inside of his domicile. I've only scouted it from the outside. The view wasn't particularly good.

I sit in a brown suede chair. He sits at the end of the couch right next to me. Just before the silence gets uncomfortable, he speaks. "I've enjoyed this evening and hope that it won't end early."

I reach over and touch him.


Tuesday 12:00 AM

I'm finishing my drink when Talbot returns from the bathroom. "I don't want to be subtle," he says. "Will you come home with me?" The hook is set. He doesn't realize that he's the one in the water.

"Why not?" I reply.

He hails a cab and we head west towards the river. It's a bit overcast, and the moon is visible like a woman walking in the woods. I'm relieved that he has taken my physical cues to say that I am uncomfortable with any touching while we are in the cab. There are very clear limits to what I will do to deceive him.

We watch the buildings as they run past. I have familiarized myself with the route from the bar to his apartment. I know the surrounding streets well, should something go sideways. I hope the ride over to his place takes longer than what I have to do once inside.


Monday 11:30 PM

I see Talbot in his customary, two person booth in the middle of the bar. He is flirting with the waitress. I smile when he makes eye contact. I want him relaxed.

I've watched him work the bar before. He moves quickly, efficiently. He talks as long as he has to and then makes his move. That works for me.

We talk sports, then money, then politics, briefly. He doesn't bring up religion, though I'll have a few words on that subject later. But not yet.

He is in his element. This is his favorite part of the day: the hunt, or the game - however he rationalizes what he does. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's past rationalization. Maybe he's on autopilot. I don't know. I'm not sure I care. I'm not sure I don't, either. He's used to being the hunter. He likes it.

He offers me some X and asks if I want to go clubbing. I'm surprised that he misread me. I decline both and hint that I was interested in something more private. That much is true. I can't have an audience.


Monday 11:00 PM

I fix my tie and look at myself in the mirror. I think I've got it down. I won't have to do much to get Talbot alone. We've talked a couple of times. He's shown interest. He'll try to seal the deal tonight. I'm not anxious.

I still have thirty minutes. It will take less than twenty to get there. I walk over to the desk and pick up Talbot's file. Once opened, I thumb through the pictures I took last week: in the bar, outside his office, at the park, on his way to the game.

I know this guy. He's not going to trip me up. I've got his rhythm down. His file will be ashes by morning.

I put on my coat and do one more mirror check. Ready to go. I head outside and hail a cab. My bike is in a parking garage two blocks from Talbot's apartment.


Monday 8:00 PM

I hang up the phone. DJ's at 11:30. Tonight's the night. Talbot and I are going to have a little sit down. Then, he's going to have a much longer lie down.

I have been on this one for two weeks. I'm not sure why it has taken so long. Talbot is active. I've had plenty of chances to observe him. We've met a couple of times. Each time he already had someone on the hook.

I gave Talbot my number six days ago. Tonight I have his number.

I settle into a bowl of penne. I've got a side of greens, a chunk of Italian bread and some mineral water. I don't want anything too heavy. It could be a long night. Drowsiness won't help.

There's a chance of rain. I'm hoping it holds off until after. I hate riding my Honda on wet streets, especially in the city. Taxis can become tanks in the blink of an eye.

I will relax for a few hours, no need to overthink the evening. I've planned things out as much as they need to be planned. I've been doing this long enough to have shed both overconfidence and anxiety. I turn on ESPN.


2 Weeks Earlier 12:00 PM

I take up a position across the street from the skyscraper that houses Talbot's firm. I blend in easily. I have speculated in the past about that being one reason I was chosen for this "job." Talbot won't see me until I want to be seen. I start tailing him today.

He emerges from the building. He's dressed impeccably. Man, that's a nice suit. His way is bold. He moves with purpose, even during lunchtime.

He's got a hundred dollar haircut, a $200 tie, $300 shoes, a thousand dollar suit and a million dollar smile. He could sell ice to an eskimo; he could probably sell him an icemaker on a return visit. I understand why I'm on this guy and I don't. There are definitely worse people out there, though he is not a good person at all. He is evil.

I'll learn his routine as quickly as I can. I'll insert myself in his life. He'll think he's the initiator, the agressor. I'll find a way to get him alone. It shouldn't be hard. He's on a mission himself.


That Morning 3:00 AM

I'm a night person but I've been asleep for a few hours. I wake with a start and know what's up immediately. I get out of bed and put on a T-shirt and jeans. I don my boots, just in case this is a quick one.

The light in the kitchen hurts my eyes for a few seconds. The legal pad hits the table flat and makes a "smack" as it slides a little. I get a Snapple from the fridge, grab a muffin and take a seat.

The words and images come quickly. They tumble over one another in my mind, then sort themselves out. I write.

Talbot is his name. He's an invester, but that's not what I will be dealing with. His vocation is not the problem.

Talbot is HIV positive. That's sad. He certainly was not engaged in righteous activities when he was infected.

His door swings both ways, if you get my drift. That is not what has him on my radar. It comes to me like a hanging curveball.

Since being diagnosed, Talbot has continued his promiscuous lifestyle. He was always a player. He became missionary in his endeavors after he found out he was infected. He decided to exact revenge on every man and woman he could bed.

Talbot and I will meet. Soon. I will not put an end to his murdering. I will be there when it happens, though. I will deliver the message that no one wants to hear. However, he won't get a chance to kill this messenger boy.


Prologue

My name is Desmond Rill. That's not very important. None of the people I deal with ever know me by that name. Don't freak out when I tell you that I am God's Left Hand.

I know; it sounds creepy, fanatical. It sounds like a cult or a terrorist outfit. No, I'm not part of some secretive organization bent on taking over the world, or perpetuating some religious myth or covering up some horrible mystery.

I'm a pretty normal guy, my vocation notwithstanding. I like watching sports on TV. I appreciate a good meal. I like women, though it is unlikely that I will be able to marry. I enjoy the outdoors. In fact, that's kind of where the interesting part of my story begins.

But that part of the tale will have to wait for another time ...

Filed in Stories

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Life as Spam

**
Life as Spam

(a very short story about a day in the life of a disciple of the culture of death)
**

I looked over my balcony this morning just in time to see a new Volkswagen Jetta run a red light and get T'ed by a Chevrolet Tahoe. I heard a woman's voice screaming about a baby (who makes the best car seats?) as I went back inside and made myself a cup of Tazo China Green Tips. It took twelve minutes for me to sip to the bottom of my Todd and Holland tea cup. After I finished, I got up, rinsed the dregs of leaves and Australian Beechworth honey out of my cup and toasted an onion bagel from Weiss'. Then, I showered, dressed, splashed on some Eternity, and left the apartment.

Wearing my new Brooks Brothers tie makes me feel like the captain of a ship, the ship of my life. Call me "Captain James T. Kirk." My life is the Starship Enterprise. There are plenty of expendable crewmen aboard. I must admit, I'm not interested in going where no man has gone before. I just want to go to Starbuck's. To Starbuck's! I will boldly go where I may drink $3 coffee and listen to Norah Jones in an aesthetically pleasing environment free and far from the cares of other men.

No luck. As soon as I arrive at the front of the line an older man at the condiments counter (are sugar, honey and cinammon considered condiments?) groans, grabs his chest, says "Help!" and falls on the floor. All this transpires before the barista (are there masculine and feminine forms of barista? baristess? probably not, it is a nice gender-neutral term, perfect for all the androgynous baristas. baristi? ah, the blessings of egalitarianism) can take my order (by the way, the barista was clearly a girl. I could tell by her Threadless baby doll tee). I was really looking forward to a latte.

I think, "I'm going to be late for work. Good thing I didn't place my order, otherwise I'd never get out of here." Actually, I might have said that out loud, because the barista (baristess?) says, "Lucky you. At least you can leave. I've got to stay and clean up his mess" as she cocks her thumb over her shoulder at the man writhing on the floor. As I look down at him on my way out the door I think, "I can't imagine how dirty it is on that floor." Again, what I thought I thought, I actually said out loud. Another barista (bariston? - one of the baristess's male coworkers) answers me. "I just mopped the floors an hour ago." Does he have any idea the foot traffic at the condiments (?) counter in his own establishment?

To The Office! Warp speed, Mr. Sulu. By the way, it doesn't bother me at all that you never told me you played for the pink team. However, it does explain your consistent presence in the communal showers.

Once at the office I greet our resident IT expert, Ted (who happens to be our token Evangelical Christian. Every office needs one.) with some typical, male, office banter. "Good morning, Ted. Boy, that Rachel Bilson sure is a hottie, huh?"

"Who's Rachel Bilson?"

"Oh, Ted, don't play coy with me. She's one of the stars of the hit television program 'The O.C.'"

"I don't watch shows like that."

"Ted, are they too unholy?"

"No, too stupid."

"Touche, Ted, touche."

I like old Teddy. He seems like a fine chap, not nearly the dullard that most of his "brothers and sisters in Christ" appear to be. (his wardrobe could use an overhaul. is he wearing Drakkar?) He's the kind of fellow who knows that the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. If he keeps up the good work I reckon that he will have a first class ticket for the Rapture. (does anyone fly coach in the Rapture? are there cheap seats in Heaven?)

As I enter my office I sit at my desk and query my Dell as to new content in my Inbox. Oh joy, I've got mail. From the information in my first message it appears that the supervisor over the office plebes passed away in the night. Apparently some sort of accident involving a large knife at a Japanese steak house. (if you want beef, stick with the Americans) Pity, a good meal ruined like that. Did they have to pay for it? An assistant V.P. will be making an announcement to everyone at 9:15. I wonder if there will be cake or something in the breakroom?

I take a moment to check my stocks (wouldn't you like to know), then the box score from last night's game; then I check to see if there are any new Dibert cartoons. Dilbert is such the office wit, so full of vim and vigor in his neverending quest to "stick it to the man." Ted reminds me a little of Dilbert.

The rotund assistant V.P. whose job it will be to break the news of Hugh's (was his name Hugh? Larry? Moe? Curly? I can never remember) demise at the hand of a modern day samuri pokes her tutle-ey head in my office.

"Did you get the email?"

"Yeah, I can't believe they're closing the Detroit branch."

"Not that one. The one about Hubert's accident."

"Hubert? Oh, yeah. Will there be cake in the breakroom?"

"I think so, maybe German Black Forest from Weiss'."

"Yummy."

"I know, right? See ya later."

"Buh-bye, Morna."

"Wanda."

"Right. Wanda. Save me a piece of cake."

I decide to surf for some news before the morning strategy meeting with the department heads. "Terrorist plot foiled in London" blah, blah "Hugo Chavez" blah, blah " "John McCain" blah blah "Iraq" blah blah. Ah, here's something interesting. "Baby of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to Appear in First Photo Spread in People Magazine." Neat. I love Yahoo News. They know exactly what I care about. Right, Scotty. (Right, Captain.)

The day is pretty typical: meetings, surfing the Web, cake in the breakroom (the German Black Forest was dry. Weiss is slipping), Morna (Wanda?) making the extra-special-really-important-vitally-crucial-can't-miss-'em announcements for the powers-that-be (powers-that-be makin' too many announcements, that is), people stopping by to say "Too bad about Hubert" (who's Hubert?), remaining low profile from 4-5 to avoid being assigned any tasks that will keep me here past quitting time.

To The Gym! (What is it, Scotty? It's the office, Captain. I don't think we can take anymooooorrrrre!) We must have racquetball forthwith. There must be much sweating. Got to get the heart rate up. Keep those muscles toned.

Trevor, my usual partner, is unable to keep our appointment. It seems that his wife was found murdered in the entertainment room of their town home over the weekend. I wonder if that will affect the resale value? There was some really nice furniture in that room and quite a sound system. Anyway, he was going on about funeral arrangements and "Oh, what am I going to do?" and a bunch of other stuff. I told him that he would be missed, but I would soldier on without him.

I have substituted Randy, an uppity sort of a man with an inflated sense of his own importance. I find him a terrible bore, but he paid for his Lexus in cash and is quite an accomplished racquetball player. He might even give me a run for my money. Ha!

"Terrible about Trevor's wife."

"Yes, Daniella was a dear friend."

"Daniella? Trevor's wife was named Janice."

"Right. Janice. Ready for racquetball?"

Randy almost gets a game off of me. Just kidding! I beat him three straight: 15-7, 15-8, 15-12. He is a gracious loser. Again, just kidding! There's no such thing.

While we are in the locker room I notice Randy's Cartier watch. He may not be much of a racquetballer but he has nice taste in finery. Nevertheless, I hope Trevor will return to the court by next Friday. I will be bored with trouncing Randy after three sessions.

On my way out I stop by the desk to reserve our court for next week. The young woman behind the counter (an effective advertisement for the gym - the girl, not the counter. well, the counter is actually quite nice) informs me that they will be closed next Friday.

"Oh no, that will not do at all. Why is the gym going to be closed?"

"Next Friday is Good Friday."

"Sweetheart, all Fridays are good."

"That's not what I meant. Good Friday? You know, the Friday before Easter, the day Jesus Christ was crucified."

"Why would a gym be closed on a religious holiday?"

"Well, this is the Baptist Fitness Center."

"Oh, I thought it was named for the hospital."

"Both the hospital and the fitness center are under the auspices of the Baptists."

"OK. So why are they closed next Friday?"

Unable to garner a satisfactory answer from the young woman, I am a bit miffed as I make my way to the parking lot. I turn my mind to other things. I shall be dining with my current girlfriend this evening at my favorite restaurant. Women come and go (regularly), but Ander's remains a constant source of pleasure amongst the vicissitudes of modern living. The chef and owner, Wallace Ander, has made a few personal appearances at my table over the last two years.

As I'm walking up to Leelee's apartment, I wonder if she made the reservation at Ander's. She specifically told me that she was going to make it. I acquiesced. I find it cute when she wants to take charge of an evening. It helps her hold onto the illusion that is female independence. I just hope she didn't screw it up.

Leelee opens the door. She looks upset. I plant a kiss on her and suggest coctails at The 309 before dinner, hoping that my arrival and the prospects of the evening together will erase whatever it is that is downing the mood. Inexplicably, it does not.

"You look down. Nothing a nice dinner at Ander's won't cure"

"I need to talk to you about two things."

Ah, she's gotten to know me a bit. While still a captive to the female impulse that "needs to talk" about things, she was very specific. The finitude offers the hope of a foreseeable respite from our tet-a-tet.

"Alright, my ears are at your disposal."

"I'm pregnant. I have not been with anyone but you in the last three months. I was hoping that we could split the cost of the abortion."

Blessed brevity.

"Yes, that's fine. What was the second thing you wanted to talk about?"

"My grandmother has been in the ICU at Baptist for a while. She's in a lot of pain. Do you know any doctors down there who would be willing to ... you know ... help her end it?"

"Let me make a couple of calls this weekend. I think I know someone who will handle it."

"Thanks."

"Of course."

She leans over and strokes my hair. While I hate when she does that, it does signal that the evening might be looking up. I have no idea how much pain Leelee's grandmother is in (I've never met her). I do know that her determination to drag out her remaining days is certainly causing me pain, as it decreases Leelee's randiness.

"So, you made the reservation at Ander's? I'm really looking forward to some lobster bisque."

The End

Filed in Stories, Satire

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Safe Line

**
Part 1

Daley was past the Safe Line. Way past it. He couldn't even see it anymore. Frankie, who was his best friend and a tomboy, told him not to pass the Safe Line. Patsy, who was his other best friend and whose name did not suit him, told him not to pass the Safe Line. Topper Tom, who was an aspiring bully and not Daley's friend, dared him to pass the Safe Line but called him back when he saw that Daley was going to do it.

Daley had allowed himself one backward glance after he passed the Safe Line. Frankie and Patsy looked nervous, though they did not call him back. Did Topper Tom look guilty? Daley was not old enough to read the various emotions the boy's countenance showed.

This day was like a lot of other days during the summer. Daley swung by Frankie's. They then rode their bikes to Wipple Dr. and waited for Patsy at the bottom of the hill. The three of them peddled past their school, Perkins Elementary, on their way to the woods behind the soccer fields.

Topper Tom sometimes intercepted them. His house was three blocks from the fields. If he was not inside playing Atari, he was in his treehouse looking at dirty magazines he pilfered from his father. Either way, he kept watch for any of the kids from school that might pass by. He would be their unwelcome companion today.

Daley and his compatriots called him Topper Tom because he always had to one-up everyone else. If you got a new bike, his was more expensive. If you got a new video game, he already had that one and a dozen that you didn't. If you had shoes that were newer than his, he would wait until it rained and then step on your feet with his muddy shoes. If he could not think of a way to one-up you, he would simply push you to the ground, boy or girl.

Frankie had come up with the idea of telling Topper Tom that they called him Topper Tom because he always won king of the mountain at recess. Patsy agreed, as it would allow them to use the nickname to his face without incurring his wrath. Daley assented, and the motion was enacted posthaste.

They played a usual round of who can climb the highest in the trees that lined the creek. It was Patsy's turn to ascend the second tree, which had the greatest potential for high climbing. Topper Tom always got to climb the second tree when he was there, but that wasn't a problem because he could not take advantage of it.

Topper's inability to maximize the tree's climbing potential gave Daley and his friends an additional opportunity to mock him. They would cheer him on from higher positions in the other trees, emphasizing the "Topper" in "Topper Tom" and telling him to try the branch on his left. When Topper reached to his right, which he always did, the three friends would hide their faces behind a branch or the truck of their respective trees and laugh until the leaves shook.

After climbing they would sometimes pretend that they were seekers of fortune during the California gold rush. They would use whatever they could find for pans and pretend that the rocks among the sand in the shallow parts of the creek were gold nuggets, and the flecks of shale was gold dust. They would talk about what they were going to do with their riches, blissfully ignorant of the preponderance of alcohol, gambling and prostitution that cropped up wherever gold was found.

Frankie and Patsy were arguing about where the best place was to hide their gold. Topper was splashing them. They were ignoring him in hopes that he would weary of it when he realized that they would not be baited into an all out water war. Daley was about forty feet downcreek and had been quiet for a while. Finally he walked over to the others and said, "I'm going past the Safe Line today."


**
Part 2

Frankie, Patsy and Topper had each gathered a pile of stones. They were taking turns picking out targets and seeing who could hit them first. They called the game "GOOSE." It was based on the basketball game "HORSE." If you miss a shot after someone else makes it, you get a letter. The last one left who doesn't spell the word out wins. They agreed that it was as good a way as any to kill time while they waited for Daley to return.

Patsy was in the lead, followed by Frankie, then Topper. Topper was rather disgruntled that a girl was beating him, although it would be a couple of years before the boys had any distinct, physical advantage over Frankie. Patsy had been friends with Frankie since he moved to town three years ago. That was a long time for him and he still only had a vague sense of the differences between himself and Frankie, as far as sex was concerned.

Frankie was not paying much attention to the game. She kept looking at Patsy. She wanted to hold his hand. She was worried about Daley. She knew Patsy was too.

Patsy was very good at "GOOSE." He picked up his strategy from his father while playing "HORSE" in their driveway. Wherever Patsy's family had moved, his father always put up a basketball hoop for his son so they could play one-on-one and GOOSE together. Patsy's father concentrated on consistency over difficulty. He would make lay-ups and foul shots. This strategy often caught his opponent off guard. Patsy's father also used a variety of left-handed shots and trick shots to throw his opponent off. Patsy learned how to use both hands, as well as how to shoot over the backboard and bounce the ball off the ground and into the hoop. He parlayed these skills into an advantage over his friends when they played GOOSE.

All three children were quite distracted from their game. They were throwing rocks and keeping score, but each of them looked over towards the Safe Line frequently. They had positioned themselves about twenty five feet from the dead tree with the railroad spike in it that marked the place on the path that they were not supposed to cross.

Topper had just made a difficult throw and was in the middle of bragging about it when they heard something crashing through the woods. They looked off to their left. In a moment they heard Daley shouting, "RUN!" The urgency of his tone had the opposite effect. They stood there with their hands at their sides waiting for him to appear. Why wasn't he on the path?

The stories about what lived in the woods beyond the Safe Line were varied. If there was ever a definitive account, it had been lost to the past. Three towns sat on different sides of the Wilkes Woods: Wilkesboro, Belle's Bridge and Deerington.

The children of all three towns had ample room to play in the woods. The children in all three towns had paths that led deeper into the woods than any of the other paths. There was a dead tree along each of these three paths that had a railroad spike in it. The children of all three towns knew not to go past the dead tree.

In Wilkesboro, it was known as Wilkes Folly. Part of the story was that one of the Wilkes children, when there were still Wilkes's living in the county, had gone deep into the woods and never returned. None of the children in the town knew the child's name or whether it was a boy or a girl.

In Deerington, it was known as The Edge. There was not a specific story explaining the name, only that it was the border between where it was OK for Deerington's children to play and where it was not. No one seemed to need a child's name to convince them not to venture past The Edge.

Daley and his friends lived in Belle's Bridge. Daley had known about the Safe Line since before kindergarten. He had seen the Safe Line for the first time when he was in the first grade. He had hounded two older kids from his neighborhood until they agreed to lead him out there.

The older boys wanted to leave as soon as they arrived. Daley told them to go ahead. He spent an hour out there by himself. It was dark by the time he got home. His mom had been out of her mind with worry. It did not help matters when he told her that he had been in the woods alone. He did not see the woods for about six months after that night.


**
Part 3

Daley's mother, Imogene Steppe, heard Daley screaming before he cleared the clothes line in the back yard. She was running down the steps when she heard an awful crash in the kitchen. When she pushed through the swinging door and entered the kitchen she saw Daley sprawled out on the floor, the tablecloth and items from the tabletop scattered around him.

"What on earth, Daley?" She noticed he was covered with scratches and was bleeding from a number of cuts on his knees and arms. There was an ugly gash that stretched from his right temple, across his cheek and almost reached his jaw. She made sure there were no breaks and helped him into a chair. When she saw the look in his eyes she was frightened.

It only took Daley a moment to start talking. "Mom, it got them. Frankie ... Patsy ... Topper. They're dead. The monster killed them."

The measured tone in which he spoke unnerved Genie. "Honey, what are you saying?"

"I went past the Safe Line today."

The years melted away and Imogene Steppe was standing at the edge of a field with her father.

"Genie, I want you to listen to me."

"Yes, Papa."

"When you and your friends play in the woods I want you to stick close to the paths and clearings. I don't want you wandering away from the paths."

"Okay. What about the creek?"

"The creeks is fine."

Her father looked towards the woods for a moment. His hand started to come up towards his face, then it just floated out in front of of his collar bone. He came to himself and looked at his daughter again. The only other time she had ever seen him so earnest was when he had to tell Mrs. Steppe that her little sister Ruth was hit by a car on Wemberly Avenue.

"I mean it, Genie. Promise me."

"I promise, Papa."

"If you ever get deep in the woods and see a tree with a railroad spike in it, you turn around and head back."

"Okay."

"That's the Safe Line."

Though Genie had her times of mischief and disobedience when the circumstances were right, she never broke her promise to her father. It wasn't until her teenage years that she learned the story that lay behind her father's earnestness. It was as if a spell was cast over the three towns that bordered Wilkes Woods by an event that happened so long ago.

Genie's generation, at least those who stuck around the area, did not pass along the warnings to their children. There wasn't any kind of agreement amongst them. No one voiced a reason. Maybe it was a skepticism peculiar to their time. Maybe it was the relocation of horror stories from real life to the movie screen. Maybe they grew up feeling more sophisticated than they parents. No one said why.

Daley's generation learned the stories from their grandparents and from each other. The grandparents did not tell the stories in order to amuse, but the lack of attention paid by their parents led to a mixture of dread, fascination and fantasy amongst the children. They took their grandparents seriously but had a hard time reconciling their grandparents' warning with their parents' dismissal.

Imogene tried for a split second to remember the story she heard as a teenager. She shook her head like she had bumped it against something and was trying to regain her balance. Daley was waiting for her eyes.

"Oh, Daley, is that the ghost tale your grandfather told you about the woods? That's just a story that kids use to try and scare each other."

Daley continued talking as if he had not heard her.


**
Part 4

"I had been walking for about fifteen minutes. It seemed like the sun went away. The trees got thicker. The trail got real narrow. I started feeling like someone was watching me."

Imogene again noted how deliberate her sons words were.

"I stopped at the edge of a place on the trail where the branches of the trees grew together low over the path. It was like some sort of tunnel, or something. I couldn't decide whether or not to keep going," Daley paused and looked his mother directly in the eye. She saw his pupils dialate.

"Mom, I was looking at the other end of the tunnel and something stepped into it."

"Daley, it was just some branches. You said it was dark ... "

"No, Mom," Daley stopped her, "I saw it."

"You said Frankie, Patsy and Topper were with you. We need to go make sure that they are alright. We don't want their parents worrying."

"I told you. They're dead. It got them. I saw it. It was too fast. I told them to run, but they just stood there, and it got them."

Imogene's mind was ordering the things that she needed to do. She was going to have to call the other parents. Then, she would offer to help them locate their children, if they had not already shown up at home. She would want to get everyone else's version of what had happened. She would then decide how to procede with her son. She knew that he believed what he was telling her. He was not playing some kind of game.

She did not realize that Daley was going into shock.

Imogene knew that at some point she was going to have some very pointed words for her father, who had been the one to confirm and elaborate upon the legend, or myth, or whatever it was, about Wilkes Woods. What in the world was he thinking, filling Daley's head with such nonsense? Now look what had come of it: her son thought that his friends had been killed by a monster.

Imogene was in the hall next to the laundy room when the back door exploded, showering glass and wood splinters all over her. She instictively covered her face and moved backwards, making sure that she was between Daley and the door. She was in the kitchen when she looked up and saw it.

Imogene had started dating Brad Durrell when she was a sophomore at Wilkes County High School. Like many teenage boys, he and his friends were mischievous. One Friday night they decided to have some fun with their dates. The drove out by the bridge and parked in a clearing at the edge of the woods. There was a full moon, so they escorted their dates a short ways into the woods and built a fire. They had beer and blankets as the excuse for their jaunt.

The boys had decided amongst themselves to try and scare their dates with the story about the Safe Line. Brad was the chief narrator due to his dramatic presentation of even the most common stories. Due to the surroundings and time of night, the plan did not require excessive embellishment on Brad's part. He succeded in frightening the girls, as well as a couple of his friends.

Brad did a fine job painting a picture. He clambered around the fire, raised and lowered his voice, contorted his face. He was a real showman. The party had a wonderful time drinking, laughing and trembling.

Imogene's relationship with Brad Durrell lasted about eight months. They eventually broke it off, though amicably. Imogene had not thought about that night in fifteen years.

Brad's performance had not done justice to what she was now facing.

**
Part 5

After regaining her balance, Imogene picked up a chair and held it like a lion-tamer. Daley was behind her and she backed them out of the kitchen and into the den. It followed.

"Daley, I want you to run. Run as fast as you can. Run downtown to the police station." She felt her son's hand on her waist.

"I said 'run,' Daley. I'll be right behind you." She reached behind her and gave Daley a shove towards the door. She could not take her eyes off of the thing that had killed Daley's friends.

As she searched its face she looked for some sign of intelligence. The story was standing in her den, advancing on her and her son. What her father had told her, what Brad Durrell had told her, what her father had told Daley, all the versions that seemed like made-up horror stories you'd hear at camp, they were all incarnate before her.

The Railroad Man was all of it and worse.

He wore the dirtiest overalls she had ever seen. She did not have time to ponder what caused the dark stains that covered them. His boots looked a hundred years old. His movements made him appear like a giant claw grabbing forward out of the mouth of some subterranean pit. She finally noticed the one detail that convinced the jury in her mind. The revelation was overwhelmingly debilitating. Imogene saw that the left side of the Railroad Man's head was partially caved in.

She sensed his determination to get to her son. She was merely an obstacle in his way. She was going to be as much of an obstacle as she could, for as long as she could, so that her son could escape with his life.

Imogene was now past the couch and the coffee table. There was no more room to back up. She gathered herself and lunged with all her strength at the man in her den. She though that the chair would help her knock him down.

He grabbed the chair with Imogene still attached and flung it against the fireplace. The clock on the mantle wobbled once and fell on top of her. Though her breath was gone, she grabbed at him with her left arm, her right elbow having been dislocated. She could see that Daley was still in the house.

"RUN, DAMN YOU! RUN NOW!"

The man swung with his right arm and backhanded Imogene. Her head hit the bricks around the fireplace hard enough to fracture her skull. She heard the front door squeek.

As Imogene faded she saw herself standing in a field at the edge of the woods. She is there with Daley. The sun is setting. She says, “Promise me you won’t go past the Safe Line.”

She never hears the answer.

Mildred Bangs was busy fixing a tomato sandwich when she heard a boy's voice screaming. She moved to her kitchen window and opened the shade. From there she has a good look at the street and hopes to discover the source of the noise.

She looked left down the street and saw nothing. She looked right and, after a few seconds, she saw Daley Steppe running like he was being chased by the devil himself. If her sight was a little better she would have seen that he was covered in scratches and as white as one of her porcelain figurines.

As he passed her house his screams made the hair on her neck stand up and chills go over her entire body. She shivered. She happened to look to the right again and saw the reason for his flight.

Mildred Bangs closed the shade and began shuddering uncontrollably. She turned away from the window. She sat down hard on the linoleum and began moaning.

Daley made it all the way to Dwyer St. The Railroad Man caught him as he got even with Mr. Dobberly's driveway. Mitch Dobberly was in his garden poking around his prized sunflowers. He had lost most of the hearing in his right ear in the Great War, so he was just looking up when the chase ended.

Mitch Dobberly was not a fearful man, but he believed the stories about the Safe Line. He had done his part to warn his children not to go too deep in the woods. They had moved away, but he pulled each of his grandchildren aside when they came for Christmas and forbid them from playing in the woods. He knew what he was seeing at the end of his driveway.

Daley Steppe was very still. The man had taken him under his left arm and was turning back towards Deep Run Rd. As he turned he made eye contact with Mitch Dobberly. "Lord have mercy" was the last thing he said before falling over dead in his garden.

The End.

Filed in Stories